Guilt

I’m home now.

I’m feeling better but am I well?

People say I look well

They are encouraging  me,  I know 

Bur…

Part of my response is guilt!

Guilt because in my head that means I’m well.

Well enough to work? 

I feel guilty ’cause I’m not.

It’s a geographical impossibility.

My job in Tanzania

 Too far from medical treatment.

Too remote a commute.

Too expensive a destination to make it viable.

Yet my family are there 

Wife and daughter.

Two months and more away from meeting.

Wife soldiering on. 

Packing up , selling up, working day by day to facultate our exit. 

Daughter burdened by exams, 

IGCSEs the daily battle, revising and performing under pressure.

Both working for a new future imposed upon them by my health.

My teacher colleagues.

Extra duties, cover lessons, preparation and marking.

All the while

I lie in bed, go for walks, recover, rest

It’s the right thing to do but …

Guilt.

Im in chemo.

Tests and medications.

Daily

Weekly

Monthly

Guilty 

‘Washed out’ after little things. 

Sleepless nights.

Afternoon snoozes.

Not on ‘top form’ 

I’ve fallen down a cliff. 

In truth I wouldn’t cope right now.

Kidney, bones and blood have seen to that

Frustrated ‘bread winner

Guilty

Moving on

Note to self

I will recover 

I will get better

I will feel guilty but I will surpress it.

In the end it is the only road to recovery.

Full recovery.

No guilt!

6 thoughts on “Guilt

  1. Graham……I can understand your thinking but you have no reason to feel guilty. Illness has stricken you and you need to concentrate on your recovery. Your family love you and will not begrudge your enforced “rest”…. they just want you fully restored to them however long it takes. Remember that…..

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I totally get what you’ve written but I absolutely agree with the comment above. Anita and becca would be so cross with you if you didn’t rest as your health would undoubtedly suffer hugely. It must be incredibly difficult and upsetting to be apart, and so painful for you be missing this time of goodbye and detachment from your home and life in Africa, but you are in the right place for your treatment. Everything you are feeling is very natural and understandable. Keeping on praying for all of you,
    Lucy xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Yes Graham it’s a hard road to have to go down…I have some experience of this & am still in recovery….I’m sure that your family want only the best for you. Treatment takes it out of you physically & emotionally…And you need to stick to the plan for your recovery…Yes your world & your family has been turned upside down…..But remember there’s no condemnation in Christ Jesus…We just have to trust& that’s the hard part…unsure of what is ahead…but pushing forward for the best outcome…Your life is in his hands…he knows what your needs are & only wants the best for you all..much love Joy x

    Liked by 1 person

  4. A rough road to walk! A lonely path you take. But you are not alone but cheered on by countless others who feel for you & wish you well & pray for you. Don’t waste time or energy on guilt. That’s a dead end. Look forward with hope & take one step at a time. And celebrate each improvement, each good reading, each time you feel better than you did before.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I echo everyone else’s comments. I know your strong faith and the prayers of others will carry you through. You should not let yourself feel guilty, it does so much damage and will not help your healing process. Just rest in His peace!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Been there and there’s no easy fix. Your doing the only thing you can do but that doesn’t make it any easier. I won my battle with a brain tumor and am so greatfull I’m still here. My guilt at feeling like I wasn’t taking care of my family led me to the internet where I found I could do one small thing for someone every day and at that time it was just enough.

    Liked by 1 person

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